That Sunday evening described turned out to be the beginning of a week of significant pivoting and spiritual battle.
Monday morning, March 21, was our grandson Henry's 2nd open-heart surgery to continue the process of re-routing his circulatory system. Of course that was heavily on my mind, and in combination with what had transpired the night before, I was not at 100% by the time I arrived at my office that morning. I got through my first virtual appointment for the day and took a call or two and realized that I was desperately struggling to focus and be all there and provide the service that our potential clients needed. After letting Carrie know, I decided to let our admin know that I would be taking the rest of the day off.
At first, since I was already downtown and about a mile from Sacred Heart, I thought I might go over to wait and pray until Henry came out of surgery. But, with all the extra Covid protocols and tight security, I wouldn't be able to see anyone or truly 'be there' for anyone anyway, so I drove back home to Deer Park, to rest and wait there. Henry came through well, but next was all the recovery, adjusting, healing and pain control, and my wife was off to the hospital to help give some relief to our daughter for the night shift.
Tuesday morning brought a 'come to Jesus' moment at work. I was confronted with the reality that my performance on the job had been slipping over the past month. The two key performance indicators for my job description were closing sales and receiving intake calls, and they were both THE primary areas of not only struggle, but also two of the weakest components of my skill set. In that moment, I simultaneously felt dread and clarity at the same time. The dread was from the sinking reality that I was about to lose my job and the clarity was with regard to the fact that I should've never taken this job in the first place!
In the intense and painful moments to follow, I began to recognize that last Fall when I sought out this job, I was in panic-mode and pushing for security according to my own thinking, rather than truly seeking the Lord's answers. I got so weary of the 'weight' of self-employment that I 'talked myself into' giving up on my dreams and to simply take a job again. The challenge for someone with my particular background and skill set is that without some sort of 'sales' part, I cannot earn enough income to support my family.
I thought that this 'sales' gig would be different because I would be more a part of a team, and not on my own. Instead, I became responsible not only to 'close sales' for myself and my family, but for the sake of the firm I was working for! I traded a bed of coals for a raging inferno with the pressure to produce, and inside all the limits of a 'job' and all the expectations that come along with being an employee. After 3+ years of self-employment, the combination of these two realities came at me like a champion boxer, and I was reeling on the ropes.
...to be continued...
God's peace,
D